Decisions, Decisions, and More Decisions

Well it's been a while since I posted to my blog, but I think it's about time I got back on it. So, I met this girl, she's awesome, and I think I am legitely falling in love with this girl. She is different than any other girl I've ever met, and its incredible how perfect it feels. And I feel like I may have messed it up today, I kinda jumped the gun on a big thing. I feel so damn stupid over it, I mean bang-your-head-against-a-wall stupid, and I don't even know what I was thinking. But, in the larger scope of things, I want to be with this girl. Long-term. And there's not a doubt in my mind that it would work, that is if I can physically make it work. The chemistry is extraordinary, but she does live 45 minutes away, and my dad is pretty well broke. I feel compelled, however, to make it work, by any means necessary. So that's one side of the coin, the other is the possiblity of the Navy. I liked the sound of it for a while, but now, all things considered, I don't think now is the time. Every summer, as far back as I can remember I have been tied down by something, been in trouble, strung out on some drug, something. And now, I'm free from all that. No trouble, no active addiction, this is my first real free summer, and I feel like I've finally stopped existing and began to live. I don't want to turn right around and throw it all away by joining the military. I want to have fun, I want to go to the lake with my friends, go to concerts, go on real dates with a certain special somebody ;), I want to LIVE. With all that said, it may seem like its not a hard decision for me to make, but there's another thing that should be said. My living situation. I live in a HIGH stress environment with little to no freedom, and a lot of anger and hostility, and a very loud volume setting. It's very difficult for me to handle sometimes, but I have nowhere else I can turn, and thats where the Navy comes in the first place. I have without a doubt changed my opinion in going in the military but my dads so happy about it, and for the first time in so long, I've gone this far without disappointing him, I'm scared of how he's going to feel, should I choose to stay... I know that, in the end, the best thing to do is what makes my the happiest, but I'm so worried about what my future would be like if I stayed living where I am. I guess that's enough said. That's what's on my mind.

There is no try.

Tonight, I lead my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting. I am nervous. Everything is ready, I am ready, but I am still unsure of how I am going to do. At first, I thought I would just give it a try, but as the famous Yoda says - "Do or do not. There is no try." So tonight, I am going to DO, not TRY.

The Past, Present, and Future

I have a lot of regrets. One especially that is bothering me lately is my decision to quit high school. I see these posts from all my friends and hear them talking so excitedly about homecoming and graduation and so forth. I can't experience that. However, if I cling to my past, how am I to move forward in the future? Through my experience, and the experience, strength, and hope of others, I have learned to let go of the past and focus not on the distant future, but today. I know that today I am glad to be the place I am. I am grateful. I was considering attending GHS's homecoming game tonight, but an opportunity presented itself for me to chair the Gardendale NA meeting tonight. My first time! So, naturally, I decided that high school is in my past. I need to let go of it, and cling to what I have today, which is Narcotics Anonymous, my new friends, and my family. Thank you.

09-20-11

Honesty. Open-Mindedness. Willingness. HOW. I find that these 3 principles improve my life every day I practice them. They are very simple and yet probably the hardest to achieve. It begins with honesty. Honesty with oneself and with others. It is much easier to be honest with other people than it is to be honest with myself. However, I find that when I am honest with myself, however hard that may be, things begin to improve. But, my life doesn't magically improve by practicing honesty alone. Open-Mindedness comes next. To be open-minded can mean many various things. But the general idea is accepting other people where they are and listening to their opinions. I don't have to like what they say, but I always take it into consideration. I try to see things from different perspectives. So, after I am honest with myself, I can begin accepting the honesty of others, and hearing what they have to say and listening to their suggestions for me. Which brings me to willingness. To be willing is to honesty try to do what others have suggested. For example, if I am facing a problem and someone tells me, "try this, it worked for me". If it worked for them, they why would it not for me? It is worth a try, it is always worth a try. It sounds simple to practice willingness, but it can be very difficult.
       Practicing these 3 principles have improved my life, who says they won't improve yours?

Complacency

Until very recently (today, in fact), I did not understand this word at all. I have heard it numerous times in NA meetings and throughout my sponsorship family in NA. So, naturally, I associated the term with NA. In a way, after discovering the truth of the word, I can still associate it with NA. Complacency, as quoted from http://dictionary.reference.com/, is "A feeling of quiet pleasure or security, often while unaware of some potential danger, defect, or the like." I understand now how that relates to recovery. I have noticed times in the past where I have been complacent. I often think that I have a handle on things now, I haven't used for 3 months. I can miss a few meetings, or go "check-up" on old using buddies, because I can handle it. That is a lie. I am an addict. I will never be able to handle myself, much less the temptation of being around illicit drugs. I must remember to stay rooted in a program, stay abstinent, and stay humble. Complacency is cunning, just as addiction is a cunning enemy of life. Today, I will avoid being complacent to the best of my ability, and I will not use.

Self - Acceptance

Accepting oneself can be difficult. It was for me, at least, when I got clean. All those years, I changed who I was in the blink of an eye just to attempt to be accepted by a certain group, a certain person, or perhaps, even worse - a certain girl. And, all those years, I used drugs to mask who I really was. I am a smart person, so I wanted to make bad grades in school. I had a distorted image of what "cool" really was. I thought that you were cool if you did drugs, smoked cigarettes, ran from the cops all the time, were in gangs, got in fights everywhere you went, etc. That was an issue for me, because, it seemed, that no matter how hard I tried to fit that criteria, I never fully did. I always felt like the odd one out. Until, I found the drugs. Then, I felt as if I could do anything, I could be anyone. For once, I felt comfortable in my own skin. I loved it. For a short time. Then, inevitably, a time came when I wanted to quit using drugs and I couldn't. Then, even when it was staring me in the face, I could not accept myself for who I was. An addict. But today, I am proud to be an addict. A clean addict. I have finally learned to accept myself for who I am, and enjoy life on life's terms. It is a blessing.


- A.Y.

09-19-11

This blog means more to me than you may realize. This blog is not simply a page where I write my sarcastic remarks of the day's events. This blog is an active expression of my experience, hope, and strength. Through this blog, I will express living experiences, both good and bad. I will vent my negative feelings and cherish the positive. This blog is not just an extension of my personality, this blog is me. And, today I am proud to be me. I am proud to have wonderful friends and amazing family. I know deep inside that the future holds great things. What, I do not know, but I know that I am not meant for a mundane ordinary existence. I want to help people.I want to prove to people that anything is possible if you set your mind to it. I am going to stop this useless rambling in the hopes that someone reads it and finds comfort or solace in it somehow